rewrite my original post using teacher s corrections with complete sentences 1

My original post:

Wow! This documentary was defiantly an eye opener for me and hopefully others. The challenges that the individual with the mental health issue are tough. I could only imagine have a sense of confusion of not being in control of who they truly are. The families and the sadness that was seen in each of those parent’s faces was heartbreaking to watch.

The access to mental care for their loved one was a joke. They had to overcome so many obstacles and barriers just so that they child can be safe and kept in a safe environment. The position that they are placed in is a hard one and having to fight for a child whether that child is grown or not, in order to get that help that is much needed is worth it. More beds should be available and more people should be available to stand up and fight against injustice and the for the right of treatment for mental illness.

Teacher’s response to my original post:

Wow! (While I agree with you that this documentary is worthy of a “wow” effect, it is not appropriate for academic writing. I do love your enthusiasm, and I do not want to diminish this wonderful quality in you. In future, strive to write academically, while still asserting your strength of feelings and thoughts regarding a matter.) This documentary was defiantly (the word “defiantly” means to defy or to stand up strongly against something; you meant to use the word “definitely”; take care to use the correct word choice) an eye opener for me and hopefully others. The challenges that the individual with the mental health issue are tough. (This is not a good sentence. I could only imagine have a sense of confusion of not being in control of who they truly are. (This is another poorly written sentence.) The families and the sadness that was seen in each of those parent’s faces was heartbreaking to watch. (This is another poorly written sentence. One more note: The large font for this first part of your FORUM response is odd. I am not sure what happened here, but the trouble seemed to have been corrected in the last portion of your response, as follows. Please use the correct sized font in future assignments.) The access to mental care for their loved one was a joke. (Find another way to describe this assertion that is academically sound; one may informally say that something was a “joke” in everyday speech, but it is not appropriate for formal academic writing). They had to overcome so many obstacles and barriers just so that they child can be safe and kept in a safe environment. The position that they are placed in is a hard one and having to fight for a child whether that child is grown or not, in order to get that help that is much needed is worth it. More beds should be available and more people should be available to stand up and fight against injustice and the for the right of treatment for mental illness. (Each of these sentences need significant reworking)

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